Merry Christmas

 

Merry Christmas, From Our Family to Yours

Christmas is time for family, time of reunion, time to catch up with loved ones. Time to give your heart the wings it needs in order to express your feelings. It is a time for Peace.
A time for Laughter, Children and Gifts.
Time for the Candles that Illuminate the Gratitude we feel to be alive and feel the love in our hearts. 
Christmas is the celebration of life, because we celebrate the birth of Jesus in all of its expressions. God is born in each of us and he comes back to life in all of his creations. Every Christmas is the confirmation of the Promise of salvation and eternal life for all.
This Christmas may we all have a heart full of sighs for the love that surrounds us. May we all feel the family, which is physically next to us and those which accompany us from the heavens. 
May we all feel, from heaven, the renewal of God's promise of love.  Merry Christmas to All
 

Guilt

Learning that Natalie has autism came as a tremendous blow to me and our entire family. One of the first emotions I experienced, once I accepted Natalie's diagnosis, was the feeling of guilt. As parents, we have the major task of protecting our children from danger. As a mother I often wonder if something I did or failed to do during pregnancy might have made a difference in Natalie.
I have read so much about autism and because there is no proven cause, there is much speculation and many theories. I have questioned the safety of where I live, our water supply, I have wondered about toxins in the environment or in my home. I have questioned vaccinations, and asked myself, "Did I take care of myself when I was pregnant?"
I even had someone speculate that I had "bad" genes and overheard a woman at the hair salon say that autism is caused by ignorant parents who should have taken parenting classes before having a child.  These two incidents alone, were emotionally devastatting to me. Because although they made me angry---they also created doubt and caused me many sleepless nights.
When picking up Natalie from school, I chat politely to the other parents.  One mother mentions that her son has extra speech therapy.  Another one talks about the social skills group she enrolled her daughter in.  Another one declares that she just signed her child up for Karate with an aide to help him.  Despair and guilt wash over you.  “These parents do so much” I think to myself.  “How do they do it?  Where do they find the time and the money? Therapy is so expensive and our insurance covers so little. But I should do more.  As the guilt factor sets in, I shamefully accuse myself of being a bad parent.

But I do know that I try. I try, every single day, to be the best mommy that I can be. And I was entrusted with this beautiful little girl.  But although I no longer spend all my waking hours feeling guilty or even wondering what actually caused it. That little guilt nag is always in the back of my mind.

"I Want More"

I have not blogged much lately and I must admit that part of the reason is because I have felt discouraged and sad. It isn't easy. I am impatient. I want Natalie to be okay and I sometimes feel like I am racing against time. I want her to be able to communicate by using her words as quickly as possible and I'd love for that to happen before she enters her elementary school years. But it isn't happening as fast as I would like and I become desperate. I don't reflect these feelings to anyone but I feel them on the inside. I sometimes feel so angry that I have this beautiful child who is so loving and giving but who is locked in her own mind. But, when I find myself getting frustrated and angry, I do think about how Natalie feels: What's it like for her? That's when I realize that I can't fall apart, I can't let her down, and I have to be strong and do what's best for her. 
Lately, I have felt so impatient and this caused me to forget something very important...God doesn't do things on my time...he does things on his time and I must have faith and I know that I need to slow down and be patient. I must learn and I must trust in the Lord. God's timetable is not the same as ours. He knows better than we do when is the best time for our prayers to be answered. Unfortunately, my mind sometimes becomes clouded and I forget this... But God was sure to remind me in a beautiful miracle yesterday.

I always give Natalie a chocolate treat when we get home from grandma's house (Natalie loves her chocolate). Last night I put some mini m&m's in a small bowl for her as we sat together on the couch. When Natalie was done she held out the bowl in front of me.... and she SAID...

"I want more" 

Even now, the tears are flowing as I am writing this...It was the most joyous moment since the day she started to call me mom again. I was overwhelmed and, of course, I looked at her and with a big smile replied, "Yes! you can have more!" and I put some more in her bowl.
You must understand, we have been going to language therapy for months and the 2 words that the therapist and I have tried to teach her to say are, "help" and "more" but sadly, Natalie never said either word. The therapist would explain how important these two words were and I say these words all the time in order to get her to say them. But last night, she not only said the word "more" but she spoke a complete sentence...

"I Want More" 

Those 3 words were amazing and it was a huge milestone! I pray she keeps them. I called my mom and my husband (who unfortunately was still at work) and I told Austin and posted to my Facebook page. I was elated! and I wanted to share my joy with the world! About an hour later we were playing with her porcelain tea set. We use apple juice and pretend it is tea and we sip through our tea cups and when the "tea" was all gone, she handed me the empty tea pot and pointed to the apple juice. I said, "Natalie, do you want more?" No response..."Do you want more tea?" She, smiled and nodded. "Natalie, more?" she pointed to the apple juice again. So I stood up, took the apple juice and placed it back in the fridge. She followed me and frowned. she looked down and then up again and she SAID, "I want more" I immediately jumped for joy and said, "Okay, yes! let's have more!" and I took the apple juice back out and refilled the tea pot. These are all skills that I owe to Natalie's ABA therapist, Kristy and her language therapists. They have really trained me in order to maximize retention and push Natalie to use her words. I am so thankful to them and I am so happy for Natalie, I know it isn't easy for her, but she tries so hard and she is doing great things! 
It is beautiful how God does everything at the right time. We cannot question him we cannot lose faith, we must pray without ceasing.  It is His time, His will. I forget this some times but I must work harder to remember.

Our Father knows what's best for us,
So why should we complain ...
We always want the sunshine,
But He knows there must be rain.

We love the sound of laughter
And the merriment of cheer;
But our hearts would lose their tenderness
If we never shed a tear.

Our Father tests us often
With suffering and with sorrow;
He tests us, not to punish us,
But to help us meet "tomorrow."

For growing trees are strengthened
When they withstand the storm;
And the sharp cut of the chisel
Gives the marble grace and form.

God never hurts us needlessly,
And He never wastes our pain;
For every loss He sends to us
Is followed by rich gain.

And when we count the blessings
That God has so freely sent;
We will find no cause for murmuring
And no time to lament.

For Our Father loves His children,
And to Him all things are plain;
So He never sends us "pleasure"
When the "soul's deep need is pain."

So whenever we are troubled,
And when everything goes wrong,
It is just God working in us
To make "our spirits strong."

~ Helen Steiner Rice ~

16 Years Later, An Unexpected Ride But A Happy Life Just The Same.

   

Sixteen years ago on November 30th, I was an excited bride ready to walk down the aisle to a man whose character and heart had exceeded all the things I had hoped for and asked God to bring me. When Allan and I started our marriage we thought  that our time was our own, that there would be time to think and dream together, and that we would enjoy the "better, richer and in health" parts of the vows we took.  But somewhere along the way, expectations collide with real life and our hopes and dreams give way to hindrances and obstacles that begin to make marriage hard. We never thought it could happen to us. But it did, and we are now among those who deal with the daily stress of caring for a special needs child, finding ourselves disappointed and discouraged at times. But, I have a truth for you:  the love I have for my husband today has more depth, more strength, and more trust than it did the day we made our vows to one another.  That love has had some days and nights that tested it, but we’ve chosen to keep loving each other during some times when we didn’t feel all those warm, mushy feelings.
Sixteen years later, we know that marriage isn’t all roses and happy feelings.  It doesn’t always feel like it did that day sixteen years ago.  It feels different, but it’s stronger and it’s better.  I have a deeper respect for him now than I did then.  I have a steadier love for him.
We had an opportunity to leave Natalie at grandma's house last night and Austin was invited to a friend's birthday party. So we decided to celebrate it a day early.     We were at dinner and we started to reflect on the last 16 years. We have truly grown up together. But through it all we have been so happy. We have so much in common, in that we love to laugh (especially at each other) and we enjoy staying positive. We focus a lot on our children and we value our family.   We talked about our unexpected journey with Natalie. You see, "special needs parents," no matter what our diagnosis is; lack time and energy, we suffer from high levels of frustration and unrelenting stress that can take its toll on a marriage. Marriage has its own difficulties, but with an autism diagnosis, we go beyond the normal struggles. We have extra financial strains resulting from medical costs too.
However, Allan and I understand that we cannot let our child's autism interfere or destroy our marital relationship. Because years of research around the world, shows that  "the parents' relationship with each other trumps everything else!"  
It was a very special dinner. We talked openly about our feelings emotions and stresses as they relate to the care of Natalie. In times of stress, we tend to keep everything bottled up inside or explode over the slightest disagreement. But last night we shared insights about everything — the good, the bad and the ugly. We took the time to really listen to each other and I found that I love this man so much more than I ever did before. It's amazing, he is amazing. He has such a calm demeanor and a gift for seeing Natalie's challenges as "no big deal." He loves our daughter so much and completely accepts her for who she is--with or without words.  He is so patient and he puts all of his faith in God. I, on the other hand, am not as accepting of Natalie's diagnosis. I still cannot get past it. I still fight through it--every day. But my husband and I provide the perfect balance to each other and I am so thankful for that.  We respect each other and we never blame each other -- we only support one another. You see, we understand that a meaningful, beautiful life together, and a good and growing marriage, do not have to end with a child's diagnosis of disability. We have had to learn to lean often and hard on God's promises      For better or worse really does means for better or worse.  The challenges of raising an autistic child can become a blessing because we are in it together and we are a team. We make time to communicate about schedules, feelings and needs. We have to deal honestly with our frustrations. We get assistance and support and we seek help quickly and we take time for each other. We have learned that a strong marriage is essential. Without it, caring for our daughter is that much more difficult and challenging. 

So Happy Anniversary darling! Thanks for being on this ride with me, being my partner in parenting, and putting up with all my antics and whims! I Love You

    

Happy Thanksgiving

Today is Thanksgiving. This week has been so challenging and I have found it difficult to feel thankful. 
My daughter has autism and she struggles to communicate...Can I be thankful for that? She has meltdowns and I can't figure out why, because she can't tell me...Can I be thankful for that? She is 3 years old and never said the words "I Love You..." Can I be thankful for that? 
I apologize, because personally, I am a big believer in looking for the silver lining in every situation. And in searching for the good. But this week has brought more challenges than I was ready for. I questioned myself as a mother and my ability to be everything that Natalie needs me to be...Will I be strong enough for the challenges that are yet to come? I have felt so much despair this week. As much as I have tried to stay optimistic, it has been more than difficult.

However, I really feel that I must stay positive and be happy and despite my sadness this week, I know that there is a lot to be thankful for. I cannot allow hard times to overshadow all the good. My kids need this from me, my husband needs this from me and I need this for myself. So, {sigh} as Thanksgiving approaches I want to focus my heart on gratitude to God, I can not allow myself to forget the simple everyday moments where we taste His goodness.The moments in the mundane events of our day where we enjoy time spent with those He has placed in our lives. The laughter shared around a table. The phone call from a friend. The encouraging word from a co-worker.

Life can be hard and times are tough for so many. Uncertainty and fears grip our hearts and steal our joy. But even in the midst of hard times, I do believe that we can always find something good in our lives to be thankful for.
I am so thankful that Thanksgiving will be celebrated in my home and that I will be surrounded by my loved ones. I am so thankful that I have my mom doing her wonderful cooking. I am thankful that I have an amazing husband and 2 great children. I am thankful for God and all the wealth He has given me.

My prayer for all of us at Thanksgiving is that we will be found with gratitude in our hearts and a song of praise on our lips.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Day 18: Thankful for Memories

Today, I am so thankful for my memories. After all, memories make your life meaningful. I am especially fond of the memories I have of my paternal grandfather, who passed away about 12 years ago and my maternal grandmother, who passed away 3 years ago.
I only spent the first 5 years of my life with my grandfather. He chose to stay behind,  when my parents migrated to the U.S. Although we did not have a lot of time together, the memories we created will last a lifetime. I think about him every day. He was incredibly kind, caring, loving and giving. He enjoyed spending time with his grandchildren and he loved them ALL the same. He was an amazing support to my parents and never said "No" He was always there for us. He made us laugh, he took us to the park, the aquarium and he introduced us to God.  My fondest memory of him was when he would take me to the park and push me on the swing. It felt so heavenly to have the wind going through my hair and I felt like I could stay forever. My sweet grandpa would swing me for as long as he could. When he was ready to go, I was never upset, because he would keep me there for so long that I felt completely satisfied with the moment. I keep a picture of the two of us in my jewelry box and I smile at him every time I open it. 

Thank you "Abuelo" I will always love you and cherish our memories.

My grandmother was the most amazing cook! and she was so beautiful (inside and out). She adored her grandchildren and great grandchildren and gave so much of herself to each of us. I can honestly say that we (her grand kids) are all better today because she was in our life. My fondest memory of her was when I got to spend my summers at her house and help her make ham and chicken croquetas (Spanish name for Croquette,  a small bread-crumbed fried food roll). They were so yummy and I enjoyed watching her make these from scratch. We would make so many of them and she would package them and freeze them. The next day we would take the bus to Downtown Miami where we would visit my cousin, Alicia, at her workplace (a bank). There, my grandmother would sell all the croquetas we made the day before (except for the secret batch she reserved for us back home). The tellers and all bank personnel would be so excited about them. They really appreciated her cooking and I felt such pride. Sometimes we would go and have lunch with my cousin and I really enjoyed that too. After lunch my grandma would take me to all the jewelry stores and we had so much fun looking at all the pretty necklaces and earrings and trying them on. I was so blessed to have so many wonderful moments with her. 

"Abuela", You were such an important part of my life I am so thankful for your love and the time you dedicated to me.

Day 17: Thankful for Hope

Hope always has a way of finding its way into our lives when we need it the most. 
Life is not always sunshine and flowers. There are some bad days, days when you witness things that make you cry and feel insecure. Life is so different when looking at it through the Autism window and there are times when I feel helpless and angry that autism has resulted in a life that is much different than I had planned. 

But I have also experience feelings of hope as Natalie begins to make progress, and for this, I am so thankful.

Natalie gives me hope when she dances, she gives me hope in her smiles, she reminds me that there is hope with every new word she speaks and with every kiss that she gives me. She is a constant reminder of hope and I am so blessed to have that. Because whenever I do feel hopeless and sad, I don't have to go very far...I look at this face, 

at this bundle of joy and love...

and I am reminded, that hope is never lost.