16 Years Later, An Unexpected Ride But A Happy Life Just The Same.

   

Sixteen years ago on November 30th, I was an excited bride ready to walk down the aisle to a man whose character and heart had exceeded all the things I had hoped for and asked God to bring me. When Allan and I started our marriage we thought  that our time was our own, that there would be time to think and dream together, and that we would enjoy the "better, richer and in health" parts of the vows we took.  But somewhere along the way, expectations collide with real life and our hopes and dreams give way to hindrances and obstacles that begin to make marriage hard. We never thought it could happen to us. But it did, and we are now among those who deal with the daily stress of caring for a special needs child, finding ourselves disappointed and discouraged at times. But, I have a truth for you:  the love I have for my husband today has more depth, more strength, and more trust than it did the day we made our vows to one another.  That love has had some days and nights that tested it, but we’ve chosen to keep loving each other during some times when we didn’t feel all those warm, mushy feelings.
Sixteen years later, we know that marriage isn’t all roses and happy feelings.  It doesn’t always feel like it did that day sixteen years ago.  It feels different, but it’s stronger and it’s better.  I have a deeper respect for him now than I did then.  I have a steadier love for him.
We had an opportunity to leave Natalie at grandma's house last night and Austin was invited to a friend's birthday party. So we decided to celebrate it a day early.     We were at dinner and we started to reflect on the last 16 years. We have truly grown up together. But through it all we have been so happy. We have so much in common, in that we love to laugh (especially at each other) and we enjoy staying positive. We focus a lot on our children and we value our family.   We talked about our unexpected journey with Natalie. You see, "special needs parents," no matter what our diagnosis is; lack time and energy, we suffer from high levels of frustration and unrelenting stress that can take its toll on a marriage. Marriage has its own difficulties, but with an autism diagnosis, we go beyond the normal struggles. We have extra financial strains resulting from medical costs too.
However, Allan and I understand that we cannot let our child's autism interfere or destroy our marital relationship. Because years of research around the world, shows that  "the parents' relationship with each other trumps everything else!"  
It was a very special dinner. We talked openly about our feelings emotions and stresses as they relate to the care of Natalie. In times of stress, we tend to keep everything bottled up inside or explode over the slightest disagreement. But last night we shared insights about everything — the good, the bad and the ugly. We took the time to really listen to each other and I found that I love this man so much more than I ever did before. It's amazing, he is amazing. He has such a calm demeanor and a gift for seeing Natalie's challenges as "no big deal." He loves our daughter so much and completely accepts her for who she is--with or without words.  He is so patient and he puts all of his faith in God. I, on the other hand, am not as accepting of Natalie's diagnosis. I still cannot get past it. I still fight through it--every day. But my husband and I provide the perfect balance to each other and I am so thankful for that.  We respect each other and we never blame each other -- we only support one another. You see, we understand that a meaningful, beautiful life together, and a good and growing marriage, do not have to end with a child's diagnosis of disability. We have had to learn to lean often and hard on God's promises      For better or worse really does means for better or worse.  The challenges of raising an autistic child can become a blessing because we are in it together and we are a team. We make time to communicate about schedules, feelings and needs. We have to deal honestly with our frustrations. We get assistance and support and we seek help quickly and we take time for each other. We have learned that a strong marriage is essential. Without it, caring for our daughter is that much more difficult and challenging. 

So Happy Anniversary darling! Thanks for being on this ride with me, being my partner in parenting, and putting up with all my antics and whims! I Love You

    

Happy Thanksgiving

Today is Thanksgiving. This week has been so challenging and I have found it difficult to feel thankful. 
My daughter has autism and she struggles to communicate...Can I be thankful for that? She has meltdowns and I can't figure out why, because she can't tell me...Can I be thankful for that? She is 3 years old and never said the words "I Love You..." Can I be thankful for that? 
I apologize, because personally, I am a big believer in looking for the silver lining in every situation. And in searching for the good. But this week has brought more challenges than I was ready for. I questioned myself as a mother and my ability to be everything that Natalie needs me to be...Will I be strong enough for the challenges that are yet to come? I have felt so much despair this week. As much as I have tried to stay optimistic, it has been more than difficult.

However, I really feel that I must stay positive and be happy and despite my sadness this week, I know that there is a lot to be thankful for. I cannot allow hard times to overshadow all the good. My kids need this from me, my husband needs this from me and I need this for myself. So, {sigh} as Thanksgiving approaches I want to focus my heart on gratitude to God, I can not allow myself to forget the simple everyday moments where we taste His goodness.The moments in the mundane events of our day where we enjoy time spent with those He has placed in our lives. The laughter shared around a table. The phone call from a friend. The encouraging word from a co-worker.

Life can be hard and times are tough for so many. Uncertainty and fears grip our hearts and steal our joy. But even in the midst of hard times, I do believe that we can always find something good in our lives to be thankful for.
I am so thankful that Thanksgiving will be celebrated in my home and that I will be surrounded by my loved ones. I am so thankful that I have my mom doing her wonderful cooking. I am thankful that I have an amazing husband and 2 great children. I am thankful for God and all the wealth He has given me.

My prayer for all of us at Thanksgiving is that we will be found with gratitude in our hearts and a song of praise on our lips.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Day 18: Thankful for Memories

Today, I am so thankful for my memories. After all, memories make your life meaningful. I am especially fond of the memories I have of my paternal grandfather, who passed away about 12 years ago and my maternal grandmother, who passed away 3 years ago.
I only spent the first 5 years of my life with my grandfather. He chose to stay behind,  when my parents migrated to the U.S. Although we did not have a lot of time together, the memories we created will last a lifetime. I think about him every day. He was incredibly kind, caring, loving and giving. He enjoyed spending time with his grandchildren and he loved them ALL the same. He was an amazing support to my parents and never said "No" He was always there for us. He made us laugh, he took us to the park, the aquarium and he introduced us to God.  My fondest memory of him was when he would take me to the park and push me on the swing. It felt so heavenly to have the wind going through my hair and I felt like I could stay forever. My sweet grandpa would swing me for as long as he could. When he was ready to go, I was never upset, because he would keep me there for so long that I felt completely satisfied with the moment. I keep a picture of the two of us in my jewelry box and I smile at him every time I open it. 

Thank you "Abuelo" I will always love you and cherish our memories.

My grandmother was the most amazing cook! and she was so beautiful (inside and out). She adored her grandchildren and great grandchildren and gave so much of herself to each of us. I can honestly say that we (her grand kids) are all better today because she was in our life. My fondest memory of her was when I got to spend my summers at her house and help her make ham and chicken croquetas (Spanish name for Croquette,  a small bread-crumbed fried food roll). They were so yummy and I enjoyed watching her make these from scratch. We would make so many of them and she would package them and freeze them. The next day we would take the bus to Downtown Miami where we would visit my cousin, Alicia, at her workplace (a bank). There, my grandmother would sell all the croquetas we made the day before (except for the secret batch she reserved for us back home). The tellers and all bank personnel would be so excited about them. They really appreciated her cooking and I felt such pride. Sometimes we would go and have lunch with my cousin and I really enjoyed that too. After lunch my grandma would take me to all the jewelry stores and we had so much fun looking at all the pretty necklaces and earrings and trying them on. I was so blessed to have so many wonderful moments with her. 

"Abuela", You were such an important part of my life I am so thankful for your love and the time you dedicated to me.

Day 17: Thankful for Hope

Hope always has a way of finding its way into our lives when we need it the most. 
Life is not always sunshine and flowers. There are some bad days, days when you witness things that make you cry and feel insecure. Life is so different when looking at it through the Autism window and there are times when I feel helpless and angry that autism has resulted in a life that is much different than I had planned. 

But I have also experience feelings of hope as Natalie begins to make progress, and for this, I am so thankful.

Natalie gives me hope when she dances, she gives me hope in her smiles, she reminds me that there is hope with every new word she speaks and with every kiss that she gives me. She is a constant reminder of hope and I am so blessed to have that. Because whenever I do feel hopeless and sad, I don't have to go very far...I look at this face, 

at this bundle of joy and love...

and I am reminded, that hope is never lost.

Day 16: Thankful for Toys & Imagination

Today I am thankful for Toys and Imagination. Toys and stuffed animals represent so much to our children. And we, as parents, get to take part in creating their life stories and all the memories that will be attached for years to come.

I love to see Natalie engaged in imaginative play. This is something that she was not doing before. But through ABA therapy and pre schooling Natalie has mastered imaginative play. She loves it when we put on our matching aprons and play in her kitchen. We get some uncooked pasta and fill up her play pans with a little water and we pretend to cook and mix and taste all kinds of goodies. We even play with flour and add a little water and mix it up in her play mixer. Yes, it does get a little messy (Okay, a lot messy) but after praying that your child engages in imaginative play and you hear therapists tell you that most kids who learn to use their imaginations eventually talk and those who never use imaginative play never talk...you learn to appreciate these milestones and celebrate them immensely. Who cares about the mess--I say, bring it on!

In fact, this has become one of my favorite parts of parenting – living out my own imagination and creativity to help build that of my daughter.

Toys and stuffed animals represent so much to our children. And we, as parents, get to take part in creating their life stories and all the memories that will be attached for years to come.

We have many years ahead of us reliving our own excitement baking cookies and waiting for Santa, finding eggs from the Easter Bunny and remembering to put teeth under pillows for the Tooth Fairy.

If nothing else, creating names and stories helps Allan and I to break away from the stressfulness of being the responsible adults. In a way, it helps us to maintain our sanity by having a little imaginary fun.

Natalie will grow out of the time of make believe one day, but my hope is that she will create long-lasting memories, as I did when I was a child, and always remember the comfort she had in her fluffy companions.

But for now, I will continue to foster her imagination and cherish the moments of her babbling her own stories and then holding tight to her stuffed animals, and play horses and dolls, while she drifts off to sleep.

Day 15: Thankful for Photography

Today, I am thankful for photography. Photographs matter because they freeze moments of our lives. Moments which sometimes may seem  of little importance to us but will be of great significance to others who search for the person we once were or the places we once knew. We may not think of it at that moment, but photographs will outlive us and will mean a lot to our great great grandchildren when they discover us frozen in that time. They can be small pieces of a puzzle that complete the larger picture of our lives. 

Photographs allow us to preserve the important moments and people in our lives. The ceremonies of birth and birthdays, weddings and anniversaries, holidays and new houses are all recorded because they matter. Photographs personal stories, a timeline of our lives filled with faces and places that we love. They are our story, which we can share with others.
As a mother, I genuinely enjoy documenting my children's adventures. I love capturing all the moments, milestones and the every day. But I'm not the one usually taking the pictures. I have to thank my husband for that. He is so good about snapping these moments and documenting everything with his camera. He never complains (even though I drive him crazy) about me telling him when and where to take pictures. He is such a great sport and a great photographer.

Day 14: Thankful for Music

Today I am thankful for Music. I have always loved dancing, but I especially enjoy dancing with my children. When Austin was little, we danced all the time. We looked so goofy, but it made us feel amazing and the laughter never stopped. Today, I mostly dance with Natalie. We giggle like crazy and laugh so much. We love to dance together. Whenever the music starts (and it doesn't matter what type of music) we both jump onto the floor and dance together. She is truly adorable and Austin & Allan enjoy watching us and will join us as well.
Allan plays the guitar and Natalie is his biggest fan. She has been his #1 fan since she was born. She sits and watches him and you can see that she is paying close attention and truly enjoying the sounds coming out of his guitar. It's the sweetest thing and Allan melts every time.
Music is such a powerful thing. It can bring a rush of emotion that can be incredibly intense. Music can bring us so much joy and can also bring us to tears.  Music moves people from all walks of life.  It can can trigger such profoundly rewarding experiences. 
Here are a few reasons to listen to music:

IMPROVES YOUR WORKOUT 

Experts say listening to music during exercise can give you a better workout in several ways. Scientists claim it can increase your endurance, boost your mood and can distract you from any discomfort experienced during your workout.

Which type of music is best? The best type of music for exercise is thought to be high energy, high tempo music such as hip hop or dance music.

MEMORY LOSS 

For many people suffering from memory loss the spoken language has become meaningless. Music can help patients remember tunes or songs and get in touch with their history. This is because the part of the brain which processes music is located next to memory. 

Which type of music is best? Research shows that people with memory loss respond best to music of their choice.

CHRONIC BACK PAIN 

Music works on the autonomic nervous system - the part of the nervous system responsible for controlling our blood pressure, heartbeat and brain function and also the part of the brain that controls feelings and emotions. According to one piece of research, both these systems react sensitively to music.

When slow rhythms are played, our blood pressure and heartbeat slow down which helps us breathe more slowly, thus reducing muscle tension in our neck, shoulders, stomach and back. And experts say that apart from physical tension, music also reduces psychological tension in our mind.

In other words when we feel pain, we become frightened, frustrated and angry which makes us tense up hundreds of muscles in our back. Listening to music on a regular basis helps our bodies relax physically and mentally, thus helping to relieve - and prevent - back pain

Which type of music is best? Experts believe any type of classical music such as Mozart or Beethoven can help relieve muscle pain. Calm, slow music is also thought to help. 

So there you go...Now get up and dance! 
After all, Music is FUN and motivating!